How to Overcome Bullying as a Crossdresser/Transgender

Bullying is a serious problem that affects loads of us.  Being teased, or degraded for any reason can be traumatic.  Bullying can be defined as aggressive behavior towards an individual, either momentarily or over time, and usually involves a perceived power imbalance between those individuals being victimized and those doing the bullying.

Being a crossdresser, or transgender marks you out for abuse.  Unfortunately, being different still means that you’ll likely be a target of bullying at some point.  The good news is that awareness of bullying has increased remarkably in the last few years and there are a number of support services for victims of bullying.

In this article, I’ll cover some of the causes of bullying, the consequences and how to deal with bullying you might have experienced personally.

1. The causes of bullying

Why do people feel the need to demean others?  This is a question that can’t really be fully answered.  In short, there are a great variety of different reasons why bullying occurs.  Each case is a bit different; motives differ.  Unfortunately, I think society as a whole hasn’t come around to accepting that discrimination against gender non-conformity is just as awful as discrimination for reasons of race, religion or ethnicity.  Trans bullying is likely the last socially acceptable act of discrimination, even in fairly liberal communities.

The most common reasons why someone is motivated to bully another are basically these: attention seeking, personal frustration or shame, or having been bullied themselves.  In each case, the bully is likely to hone in on a victim they consider weaker than themselves, and expressions of femininity from an outwardly male person exemplify that.

In other words, crossdressing or presenting as female makes you a target.  This target is a result of transphobia and outdated attitudes toward gender expression and identity.  These outdated beliefs are most probably learned throughout life.  Society teaches all of us norms of behavior; we learn them from our families, our peers, our schooling and mass media.  I’m sure that these beliefs get engrained in so many of us; our own personal journeys as crossdressers has probably involved overcoming a tremendous number of them within ourselves.

2. Bullying in different environments

The most common places that people are bullied are school, work, and online.  School students bully their classmates, colleagues can bully each other, and online it can be like the wild west.

● School bullying

School bullying of transgender or non-binary youth is very common.  Studies have shown that a vast majority of trans youth have experienced name calling and nearly 40% have experienced violence.

Bullying at school can be particularly damaging for transgender youth.  School, after all, is not a choice and you’ve got to go every day.  If you’re going to public school in the USA, or state school in the UK, you’re likely to be around other students of differing cultures but most importantly, students coming from different family backgrounds.

Other kids from more conservative families will face more pressure to conform to societal norms.  They might even find encouragement at home for their transphobic bullying at school.

School aged youth isn’t likely to have a nuanced understanding of gender expression.  I can imagine that the reason for picking on trans youth at this age is largely motivated by attention seeking and approval amongst other peers.  If it’s possible to bond with friends by pointing out the otherness of others, it’s hard to turn away from such easy relationship forming.

Something that we should also be aware of is that the bullies of transgender youth are equally likely to be male or female. While boys will likely bully because someone is ‘acting girly’ or like a sissy, girls could do the opposite.

I would be very wary of girls who present a sympathetic reaction to your gender identity or non-conformity.  What can seem like support at first can quickly morph into confidence eroding bullying.  Commentary encouraging you to look or act in a more stereotypically feminine way; inviting you to be their real-life Barbie doll under the guise of support or something similar could be considered bullying.  Instead of facing ridicule for being too girly, now you’re facing bullying from other girls for not being girly enough.

● Workplace bullying

Workplace bullying of transgender or crossdressers is less common, but still prevalent.  This is the environment where I think that transphobia and non-acceptance of personal differences can cause the most problems.  Depending on the country, company or office in which you work, there could be many motives.  The most problematic, and the one I’ve encountered myself is systemic bullying which is sort of condoned by the company. 

Any organization’s first priority is their reputation; anyone who does anything that could potentially harm that reputation is at risk.  Wanting to express femininity or wear non-gender conforming clothing could be seen as something which could affect your workplace’s reputation.  Your bully, or perhaps in this case, your boss, could be constantly asking you to keep that part of yourself at home, or just pestering you about why you feel a need to wear feminine things around the office.  Managers could feel a need to leverage their power over you “for the sake of the team” or “you’re making other employees uncomfortable”.

● cyberbullying

Cyber bullying of crossdressers and transgender individuals is also all too common.  Scroll through the comments of any YouTube video about crossdressing or transgender issues and you’re sure to see abusive comments.  The main motive behind cyber bullying is different than more traditional bullying; people feel like they won’t get caught while hiding in the vast anonymity of cyberspace.  It’s also easier to direct abuse at an abstract online, as opposed to a real live human who is standing in front of you.

Cyber bulling can also take many forms.  Comments on a blog or a thread of tweets are one thing.  The most serious form of cyber bulling that a crossdresser can experience is likely to be being outed involuntarily.  Whatever the motive for outing someone online without their consent or knowledge, it is an abhorrent thing to do.

3. The consequences of bullying

Being the victim of bullying can have a lot of effects.  Some of these effects are short term, and some can last years or even for life.  Trans victims of bullying have disturbingly high rates of mental illness and some are even driven to suicide.  I’m sure we’re all familiar with some of the consequences of being the victim of bullying, either from personal experience or knowing a victim.  I’d like to concentrate on some of the long-term effects of being bullied.

Victims of bullying in general experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, and loneliness.  If you’re a crossdresser, and are being bullied because of your crossdressing, these effects can be amplified.  Not only will you experience anxiety about normal everyday concerns, but also anxiety about your identity.  Depression can also set in and lead a crossdresser into some very dark places.

These two demons, when working in tandem are very harmful.  Anxiety and depression can manifest in a whole range of questions for a crossdresser experiencing abuse.  Questions such as: ‘am I a real man?’ ‘am I a disappointment to myself or my family?’ or ‘why do I want to do this thing that’s wrong?’ can lead to a personal crisis.  Also, an absence of knowing where to turn for support can be doubly scary; depending on how open you are with your dressing, seeking support as a victim of transphobic bullying means coming out as a crossdresser to someone.  This can cause more anxiety and so on and so on.  It’s not hard to see why a lot of crossdressers don’t seek support.

The flip side of this is that the bullying can undermine your confidence as a crossdresser.  Anxiety can creep in about your dressing itself: ‘am I doing my makeup, right?’, or ‘can I ever be pretty enough to meet my expectations?’.  In any case, the consequences can erode your self-confidence and lead you to become withdrawn.

Finally, the most serious consequence of bullying, especially among crossdressers and transgender individuals is suicide.  Prolonged bullying can truly degrade someone to believing that life isn’t worth living and looking for a way out.  If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts as a result of being bullied, or for any reason at all, please seek help.  In the United States, you can call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 for immediate support; in the UK, 0800-689-5652.  Support services are available across Europe and most countries in Asia as well.

4. How to deal with it

Dealing with the experience of being bullied can be the most difficult part.  Especially for us crossdressers, any route we take to stand up to bullying, or seek outside support can involve getting more people involved with your crossdressing.  I know a lot of us just like to keep it private or among a small group of trusted friends or family.  The first step is making a proactive choice to deal with it and try to end your suffering.

My personal advice when dealing with bullying is to find your own confidence.  I think this advice applies to anyone, not just a crossdresser being bullied.  For us crossdressers, the first step to owning and being confident about your dressing is to realize that you’re not doing anything wrong.  Dressing up in women’s clothes doesn’t hurt anyone; it isn’t wrong or immoral.  So, tell yourself and your bully, “yeah, I like to dress up as a girl, so what?”

Finally, I think the other best step is to seek external support.  Depending on the time and nature of your experience, this support could be many different things.

● Peer groups

In my experience, the support of a trusted group of friends is the best.  Reach out to other crossdressers in your community, or open mined friends.  Meetup.com is a good place to look for a local group of crossdressers or transwomen to introduce yourself too.  There are often weekly support groups arranged through meetup.com in bigger cities.  I’ve found groups in New York, Boston, London and Milan; there will certainly be more in other cities.

Also, the gay and trans communities have always been allies and offered each other support.  Even if you don’t consider yourself gay, you’re more likely to find some support or at least connections to formal support services.  Local Pride organizations are places to search for online resources; or attend a Pride march this June!

● HR Departments, School Administration, Labor Unions or Employment Watchdogs

If you’re being bullied at work or school and your manager or teacher isn’t being helpful; it might be time to seek support from their superiors.  In my experience, this route can have results, but are often less than hoped for and difficult to achieve.  However, many large companies and public schools are becoming more attuned to the needs of their employees and might be willing to sanction a bully.

If you decide to seek support through HR or a school administration, I think there are a few things to be aware of.  First of all, have evidence of your grievance.  Save emails, make notes about times and places you were bullied, record meetings, have witnesses.  This evidence will be crucial if you decide to take on another employee or student through internal processes.  Secondly, don’t expect emotional support from this process.  You can expect that your bully is sanctioned, and the bullying to stop for a time, but not much more.

● Online support

I have found YouTube and Reddit to be invaluable resources for confronting my own insecurities.  Finding others willing to share their experience to an unknown audience gives me reassurance that I’m not alone.  While our specific experiences would be different, the challenges we face are similar.  Even more casual videos made by transgender or crossdressing creators making jokes about some topic can put a smile on my face.

In certain countries, there will also be free support services online which you can make use of.  In the UK, NHS Direct offers medical advice, but also can direct you to mental health support services in your area.  They are available online or by phone.  In the USA, online support services like BetterHelp can cost money, but might be worth trying if you’re comfortable with that investment.  Confidence and mental clarity are certainly worth paying a bit for.

Being bullied for being different is something that many transgender and crossdressers experience in our lives.  Every crossdresser or transwoman has a story of being abused and they are all awful.  Unfortunately, being different is often reason enough to attract unwelcome ridicule and derision.

Overcoming being bullied and growing your own confidence is something that can make you more sure of and proud of yourself.  While many of us experience this in our lives, we can all work to support each other and help other crossdressers by sharing and empathizing.  Have you ever been the victim of bullying?  If you would like to share your experience or offer support to those of us who have, I’d like to invite you to share in the comments.