OMG, My Partner Crossdresses! What Should Be Done?

Crossdressing is a habit that is hard to break and hard to keep a secret forever.

Suddenly, discovering that your partner has this habit and has kept it from you can be problematic and frustrating and can lead to despair.

Yet, crossdressing is often misunderstood. Your feelings about discovering this secret habit are often connected to how it was discovered.

In order to really understand your partner’s habit, it’s important to try and get to the root of it.

It’s also important to know that the vast majority of crossdressers are straight and heterosexual, and the dressing isn’t likely connected to any deviant tendency.

Many more traditional perspectives will define crossdressing as the act of wearing clothing of the opposite sex.

There is, however, a different, more enlightened perspective that I think is best summed up by Eddie Izzard, a comedian, and transvestite when they said (and I am paraphrasing), ‘These aren’t women’s clothes, they are my clothes.’

1. How did you discover it?

There are basically going to be two ways to discover your partner’s crossdressing: either they told you about it, or you found out somehow.

Let’s discuss this for a bit. First of all, I think it’s quite important not to let your initial reaction to the discovery of your partner’s crossdressing unduly color your feelings about the habit itself. 

Some people are so shocked by learning about it that they recoil in disgust or become outraged.

I would regard this sort of reaction as a perfectly logical emotional response to learning the person you’re closest to keeping a secret from you.

However, it isn’t a response to the content of the secret itself.

◆ Confession

Let’s say that your partner told you about their secret habit. I would encourage you to see this as a sign of trust.

Your partner has probably been holding this secret about themselves for a long time.

Unburdening themselves of this weight by sharing this with you took a lot of courage.

There probably aren’t many, if any, people who know this about your partner.

You’re now one of them, and your reaction is likely to shape their feelings for a good long while.

At the very least, take a few minutes to let the news sink in before reacting.

◆ Discovery

Now, it’s far more likely that you’ll find out about a crossdressing habit by accident.

Maybe you’ve noticed that your panties go missing, or maybe you’ve even caught your partner in full dress when they thought you were out.

I can certainly understand that this is an unexpected and jolting surprise.

Whatever your feelings, be mindful that your partner is also having feelings of shock.

There is probably an earthquake of emotions happening inside them at that moment: guilt, shame, embarrassment, and the like.

Most men who crossdress will have tried to banish this element of their personality from their public existence.

It has now been unveiled rapidly and without warning.

In either instance, it’s quite important to remember that crossdressing doesn’t need to be a relationship killer.

Try to understand why your partner enjoys wearing women’s clothing, talk about it, and be non-judgmental.

2. What does it mean?

Finding out what your partner’s crossdressing means can be very difficult.

It is a habit that is usually developed from a young age, perhaps around 10 or 12.

There are a myriad of possible motivations and reasons behind it.

It’s almost easier to discuss what it does not mean as opposed to what it does.

There is a long list of misconceptions: He must be gay, He must not love me, He must want to be a girl, or He has a perverted mind.

All of these are going to be incorrect assumptions.

They are all rooted in deeply conservative attitudes towards sexuality, gender, and the societal norms revolving around them.

I find these stereotypes to be pretty annoying caricatures of an otherwise harmless habit.

Crossdressing doesn’t mean someone is gay, transgender, or a sexual deviant.

It’s likely to mean quite the opposite. Crossdressers are no more likely to be homosexual or transgender than anyone else.

A crossdressing habit could be connected to what your partner finds arousing, but they are equally likely to engage in it to relax or escape from the stresses and confines of their daily life.

There are a lot of resources online to help you understand why your partner is crossdressing.

I found this article to be very informative. The best thing you can do is to talk.

If you’re uncomfortable addressing your partner’s crossdressing alone, you can consult a therapist or counselor.

The most important is to approach the issue with a non-judgemental attitude.

3. What should you do about it now?

How you choose to deal with your partner’s crossdressing is up to you.

I would think that any course of action essentially boils down to three choices: break up with them, stay with them and ignore it, or stay with them and accept it.

This is, of course, an overly simplistic description of your choices, but getting down to brass tacks can make it easier to think about.

◆ Ending the Relationship

If you choose the first option, breaking up with them, it’s probably because you are so reviled and disgusted with their habit that you can’t accept it.

This is going to cause your partner a lot of pain and anguish, as with the case with any breakup.

However, the message you would be sending is that their crossdressing is shameful and wrong, further reinforcing the thought pattern that made them keep it a secret in the first place.

Also, you’ll be breaking up with someone because they are different, and I’d encourage you to think about that a bit before pulling the trigger on ending a relationship.

◆ Turning a Blind Eye

Ignoring crossdressing once you’ve discovered it is going to be pretty difficult.

It’s a form of repression and isn’t healthy. Your partner is also going to know that you know about it and are trying to ignore it.

It could make them paranoid and hyper-sensitive.

If you prefer not to engage with your partner’s crossdressing, setting boundaries is much healthier than completely ignoring it.

These boundaries can help you and your partner establish times and places when their dressing is alright and won’t intrude into your lives together.

This could be a workable solution if your partner only likes to dress once in a while and doesn’t feel the need to have a large wardrobe of girly things.

◆ Acceptance and Support Crossdressing

Finally, acceptance. This is likely to be the most constructive option and the most likely to result in a healthy long-term relationship.

As I stated earlier, being able to accept and respect this part of your partner is going to be taken as a sign of your and your partner’s deep trust and respect for each other.

Men who crossdress are also likely to be more aware of a feminine perspective and feelings, resulting in a more loving and caring partner.

There are a lot of ways of engaging with your partner’s crossdressing. I’d begin privately by talking about it a bit.

Offer to fix their makeup or to teach them how to do makeup.

I’m not very skilled at doing my makeup, and I would really appreciate a partner who was open-minded enough to assist and guide me.

Advising about fashion choices and outfits is another area where your feminine experience and wisdom will be appreciated.

Also, try watching some shows or movies with crossdressing themes and discussing them.

Moving on from these private actions, you can consider taking more steps to make your partner’s feminine self a part of your life.

You can plan girl time together; have drinks outside on a sunny day, go for a walk around your neighborhood, or have a girly salon or spa day for yourselves.

Shopping is always an option when you’re in a relationship with a crossdresser.

I would start slowly here; you never know who might be eavesdropping on a conversation in a shop.

You’ll want to know your partner’s sizes for items like shoes, dresses, and lingerie to avoid obvious cues that you might not be shopping for yourself.

I have hardly ever noticed husbands or boyfriends accompanying their wives or girlfriends when lingerie shopping, so you might be noticeable for doing this together.

In a situation like this, especially for the first time, I would stay close to my partner, hold their hand, and be quietly reassuring.

Overcoming the fear of being noticed or ‘clocked’ is a crucial step.

Finally, going out in public with your partner while they are dressed up.

Chances are that your partner won’t want to do this, so don’t pressure them.

If they do, be supportive. Use their girly name when they are dressed and out if they have one.

You might want to try to speak for them in certain situations where a masculine voice would cause unwanted looks and raised eyebrows.

I’m thinking about ordering food in a café or talking to a customer service person.

Understanding, accepting, and perhaps even taking part in your partner’s crossdressing is going to lead to a healthier long-term relationship.

While your partner’s feminine desires may seem odd at first, consider yourself lucky.

Most male partners wouldn’t be caught dead doing anything that threatens their masculinity, and you’ve got one who appreciates their feminine side and wants to be more in touch with it.

To close, I’d encourage you to think about how often you’ve worn your partner’s sweatshirts or boxer shorts without thinking.

In our society, it’s totally normal for a woman to wear seemingly masculine clothing in almost any situation.

The flip side of that is still taboo.

There isn’t a reason it should be; these clothes aren’t women’s clothes; they are his clothes.

Embrace that perspective, and everything will work out fine.