Personal story – Amelia’s First Time Coming Out of The Shadow

Today, when I look in the mirror for the last time before I leave my apartment,

and I see a beautiful, adorable woman, I feel proud.

When I walk down the street, letting everybody enjoy the view of my legs looking even longer in high-platform shoes,

I feel proud too. When I take pictures of myself walking in the park and I send them to my friends,

pride accompanies me as well. But it wasn’t always like that.

Just a few years ago, I wasn’t proud or happy about who I was.

Constant guilt and shame were a huge part of my crossdressing life, as well as the almost crippling fear.

I’d never go out looking like that, as I was a prisoner of my own worries.

Thought of my deepest secret getting out to anybody I know, was a worst nightmare for me – literally,

as it appeared in my dreams pretty frequently. Looking back, it seems to be almost impossible.

How did life manage to change so much in such a short time? And still, I remember when it started…

Roanyer – the spark which ignited the flame 

Some things lead to others. And as that may sound cheesy, I owe the beginning of that change to Roanyer.

It was their Christmas sale that indirectly put some things in motion, which ended with me being liberated from my fears.

Their great discounts helped me make the decision and finally buy a thing I always wanted to have,

since the first time I saw it with my eyes – H-cup silicone-filled breastforms.

I did have other breastforms before, but I was forced to part ways with them at one of my attempts to quit crossdressing.

Before that, I was living in the shadows of my own shame.

Yeah, my fear and guilt made me try to give up a very important part of myself.

More than once in my life, actually. I think that’s inevitable,

if you see yourself as a lonely island in a vast, dark sea, with no one around who can really have your back.

You feel different in a wrong way, and sometimes you try to “fix” yourself.

Luckily for me, I never succeed in quitting that lifestyle for good.

But a few times I was really close to it.

I didn’t end up denying myself only because I managed to get the support of really special people.

My friends are still with me to this day.

When the lies were getting too heavy.

So, as I always perceived myself as a woman with curves, I decided to buy that breastform.

There was just one eeny-tiny problem – I couldn’t afford it at the time.

Christmas, as jolly as it can be, is not an easy time for me to make such a big purchase.

I had only half of the requested price.

As my mind was really set on it, I decided to borrow the rest of the money.

I decided to ask my best friend for it. “I can’t tell her the true purpose of it!”

I thought at the time “She would never understand!”

Yeah, that’s what I kept telling myself a lot at the time.

Nobody I know could possibly understand my urge to be more feminine.

That’s why I deceived my best friend and came up with a lie to justify that loan.

And she helped me out without hesitance.

Did I feel good about that? Absolutely no. I felt like trash almost immediately.

The product I was dreaming of was already on its way to me, but it was hard to feel happy about.

I was feeling guilty. She trusted me. Why couldn’t I trust her?

I started to think about it, deeper and deeper.

I assumed she was never gonna understand me, but how could I be so sure of it?

And what could be the worst that’s gonna happen?

We have known each other for more than a decade and she never has shown any hostility to people like me.

Our friendship was forged in difficult times and we survived through it together.

Would she really throw it all down the drain? And over something so important to me?

And then I had enough!

The image of that moment is burnt deeply in my mind, like an old-time picture.

It’s the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and maybe that special time helped me to make the decision.

I see in my memory that I stopped cleaning and took my phone to text her.

“I need to talk to you”.

My heart pounds faster when I see she received my message and started to respond.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

Until then I wasn’t sure if I should tell her via text messages.

That was supposed to be a very important moment in my life.

Confession like that surely would have more weight, if I did it face to face.

But we lived in different cities, and I really wanted to do it before I chickened out and changed my mind.

On top of this, I was sure that words like that would never come out of my mouth.

I was terrified enough with the text, fighting with my own vocal cords would only make it worse.

My hands were shaking when I typed the next message.

Stared at it for a while, before I hit SEND.

“I always had the privilege to be totally honest with you.

You know almost everything about me, really.

I think there’s only one more thing left I’ve hidden from you.

What do you think…  would you like to know it, even if it can change the way you see me?”

It didn’t take her long to answer me. Blunt and mischievous as always.

“As long as you feel comfortable with it, you can tell me anything.

I doubt if it can change our relationship though, even if you’re a criminal.

Are you a criminal now?.”

I remember how much that calmed me down.

I don’t know why, but in one moment I felt 100% sure about what I’m going to do.

I took a deep breath and typed one longer message about who I am,

about the feminine part of myself, and how I was trying to express it with my look.

I wrote about my last purchase and apologized for lying about it.

I hit SEND and closed my eyes.

The perfect moment of liberation

I stood like that for a while. With my eyes closed, I felt the blissful taste of ignorance.

What’s her answer? Did she like it? Did I disgust her?

For a sweet moment, it didn’t matter, as I was focused only on such a huge relief.

Finally, I did it, I shared it with someone!

For better or for worse, my biggest secret wasn’t anymore a burden to bear alone.

I took my time to appreciate it before things got a chance to go south.

But, as pleasant as that moment was, my curiosity won when the phone buzzed in my hand.

I opened my eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?

Last month I got rid of a few dresses, they would totally match your size.”

For the moment I wasn’t sure if she was mocking me or what.

But with a few next messages, I had no doubt. She was actually accepting me.

It was almost impossible to believe, it seemed… too casual.

It didn’t shock her, it didn’t shake anybody’s world.

Just my friend backing me up as she always does.

And I knew that’s the way it always should be.

In a perfect world, we should always be able to come

out of the closet so easily, as it happened to me.

We talked a lot that evening, I even mustered up some courage

and sent her pictures of me as Amelia.

She found me cute and pretty, and even if she said that just to

make me feel better about myself – I was still happy about it.

The rolling snowball of acceptance

She said to me that it’s not going to change anything between us because she doesn’t care about things like that.

It wasn’t true. She DID care, a lot! Since then, she was always there for me,

if I had some questions about style or makeup, or just felt down about being an ugly woman.

She also helped me believe that I don’t have to be afraid of everyone in my life.

And she was with me when I got out en femme the very first time in my life.

Thanks to her I realized I know some other good people, who also won’t be judgmental about me.

One after another, I had that difficult conversation with some other friends.

Not everyone reacted perfectly, but most of them did.

For some people, it was hard to understand, but no one wanted to hurt me in any way.

And I cannot stress enough how much that meant to me.

I finally got on the right path, straight to self-acceptance.

With my friends still in my life after I shared my most intimate secret with them,

I could finally believe I was not doing anything wrong. I am who I am and that’s all.

If people I care about can accept that part of me, how could I be harsh on myself any longer?

It may sound like a simple cliche, but it was indeed a life-changing experience.

The thing we all need – and we all deserve.

That’s a feeling I wish every lonely, scared soul out there could experience by themselves.

I know it’s scary and sometimes very risky, but I strongly recommend you at least give it a thought.

Do you have a very good friend, who’s never failed you?

Do you know he or she is an open-minded person? Can you trust them?

If you think so, maybe you could consider showing them your trust.

Because in the best-case scenario, they can reward you with an incredible amount of love and support.

And that’s the best fertilizer you can dream of to grow into a beautiful, feminine flower.